This guide for strap-on sex was written by the spectacular blogger and writer Amy. You can find more of her work at coffeeandkink.me.
Strap-on sex–using a harness to attach a dildo to your body and penetrate your partner–is most often associated with lesbian sex. And it’s definitely popular amongst this demographic, with 2% of lesbian couples using a strap-on every time they have sex and 22% reporting that they use one “often” according to a small survey by sapphic relationship coaching service Lesbian Adventures in Love.
However, strap-on sex can be for anyone. You can have vaginal, anal, or even oral sex with a strap-on! For example, the term “pegging” (coined by sex educator, writer and activist Dan Savage) refers specifically to a woman penetrating her male partner anally using a strap-on.
Contrary to popular belief, you don’t even need to have a vulva to use a strap-on. Plenty of people with penises also enjoy using them for an array of reasons, from alleviating genital-based gender dysphoria for trans women to bypassing erectile struggles for cis men, and many more.
In this guide, I’ll walk you through the basics of strap-on sex to help you get started safely and pleasurably.
A quick note on terminology: in the context of strap-on sex, the word “top” refers to the person doing the penetrating, and the word “bottom” refers to the person being penetrated. These terms do not necessarily imply any kind of power dynamic.
What You’ll Need
The basic supplies you’ll need are a harness, a dildo, and some lube. If you and your partner are both new to strap-on sex, shopping for toys together can be a fun and sexy date activity.
Choosing a Harness
There are numerous styles of strap-on harnesses. For beginners, I recommend a comfortable yet structured harness with adjustable sizing such as the Sportsheets Newcomers set. If you can afford to invest a little more, I consider the Spareparts Joque a pretty unbeatable harness.
Another great option is harness briefs, which look and fit like boxer shorts but include a ring to insert a dildo. These are particularly popular amongst those who favour a more masculine gender expression.
For people with vulvas, there are also strapless strap-ons, which anchor the toy inside the vagina instead of using a traditional harness. These toys are harder to use and can make positioning a challenge, so I do not generally recommend them for beginners.
Choosing a Dildo
Any dildo with a suitable base can be a strap-on dildo. Dildos with a flared or suction cup base, but without extras such as balls, are best for ease of use and comfort. Silicone is the best material for strap-on dildos as it is soft, flexible, body-safe, easy to clean, and warms up in use.
You will also need to consider your and your partner’s preferences around length, girth, texturing, and even aesthetics. If in doubt, choose a small-to-medium sized smooth dildo to begin with.
Always check the diameter of your dildo against the size of your harness’s O-ring to ensure it will fit. Some harnesses have interchangeable rings in different sizes, and others have stretchy rings to accommodate a range of toys.
The Loving Joy Curved is a great budget option, and the Strap-on-Me dual density dildos offer a more realistic feel and a flexible, shape-holding memory core.
Extras: Lube & Barriers
Adequate lubrication is essential for comfortable penetrative sex. A gentle water-based lube is your best option as it is body-friendly, easy to clean up, compatible with all toy types, and works in harmony with the body’s natural lubrication. Add plenty of lube to both the dildo and bottom’s body before you start, and reapply it during sex as necessary.
Remember: if you are having anal sex with your strap-on, you’ll need to use even more lube as the anus is not self-lubricating.
My personal picks are Sliquid H2O for vaginal sex and Sliquid Sassy for anal sex, but you can use the same lube for both if you prefer. Avoid lubes containing glycerin, parabens, petroleum-based ingredients, and numbing or desensitising agents.
Strap-on sex is a relatively safe sexual activity but, like all forms of sex, can still carry some risks. If you will be sharing a strap-on and have not negotiated fluid sharing as part of your sexual relationship, or are using the same dildo with multiple partners, using a condom can help to prevent the transmission of STIs.
The Best Positions for Strap-On Sex
The best positions for strap-on sex will depend entirely on your and your partner’s bodies, physical abilities, and preferences. I find kneeling between my partner’s legs with them lying on their back to be the easiest position, but your mileage may vary. Virtually any sex position can be adapted for strap-on sex, so get creative to find what is comfortable and sexy for you!
If there is a height difference or you are struggling with angles, you may find it helpful to prop up your partner’s hips or butt using pillows. Position enhancers such as straps, sex swings, and sex position wedges can also be a gamechanger here if you have the budget and space for them!
When you’re starting out, I suggest beginning with a face-to-face position. This allows you to pay close attention to each other’s facial expressions and body language and to communicate as you go.
A position with the bottom on top of their partner (such as the “cowgirl” position) can give them greater control over the depth, angle, and speed of penetration.
Communicate, Check In and Adjust
As with any kind of sex, consent and communication must be front and centre. Talking openly about your desires, fantasies, needs, and boundaries before you start will allow you to co-create a joyful and mutually pleasurable experience.
Be prepared to check in as you go, and to adjust or pause if necessary. Strap-on sex can be intense, but pain is a sign that something isn’t right. If penetration hurts, you may need to change positions, swap to a smaller dildo, use more lube, or build in more warm-up.
Strap-On Sex Troubleshooting
There are a few common issues that often come up for those new to strap-on sex. In this section, we’ll look briefly at some of the most common and how you can fix them.
- If insertion is painful or uncomfortable
Try adding more lube, incorporating a longer period of warm-up, or swapping to a smaller dildo. Going really slowly, with long slow strokes rather than rapid pounding, can also help.
- If the dildo keeps falling out…
The angle is likely the problem. Try swapping to a different position (such as with the receiving partner on top), raising your partner’s hips with a pillow or wedge, or steadying the dildo with your hand. If you’re using a large toy, the problem may also be that the dildo is too heavy for your harness. In this case, switch to a smaller dildo or a sturdier harness.
- If your harness slips
It’s probably too loose. Adjust and tighten the straps, and then try again. It shouldn’t be uncomfortably tight but it does need to be fairly snug.
- If your harness pinches or chafes
It’s probably too tight. It might also be the wrong harness type for you. Harnesses with wider waistbands and straps are usually more comfortable than those with thin straps. Some people find that wearing their harness over a pair of knickers or boxer shorts can make things more comfortable.
- If the base of the dildo is causing pain or discomfort for the wearer
Try switching to a dildo with a flatter base–in general, a suction cup dildo is better than one with balls or a large base. Some harnesses, such as the SpareParts Joque, also incorporate fabric flaps to protect the wearer from this exact issue. Applying some lube to the base of the dildo can help, too.
A Word on Gender, Power, and Penetration
There is a common belief that, in strap-on sex, the top is masculine and the bottom is feminine. This can be true, but certainly isn’t always! Likewise, it is often assumed that the top is in a dominant role and the bottom is in a submissive role. This, too, is reductive and often untrue.
Case in point: I’m a femme who leans submissive, and I’m also a strap-on top!
Strap-on sex, like all kinds of sex, can be whatever you want it to be. As long as you’re playing safe and have informed and enthusiastic consent, there are no rules. So don’t be afraid to play around with gender roles and power dynamics, or to discard them entirely if that’s what works for you.